HARRY Potter 7 Spoilers Galore Exclusive

With the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, geek communities worldwide have begun rioting over the inadvertent posting of the book's spoilers on Internet forums in every corner of the world wide web. So far there appears to be evidence that at least 12 characters will die, some of which will die on more than one occassion. The rumours of the deaths of Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley which were largely circulated by the media in the leadup to the book's release have since been proven false. On page 217, we discover that it is neither Hermione or Ron who dies but our hero Harry Potter. At this point in the book readers are left bewildered with the main character dead with yet another 400 or so pages to go.

Several new characters were introduced, with a muggle woman named J. K. Rowling. After careful analysis by multiple Harry Potter fan sites, we have concluded that the in-book character is actually an fictional autobiographical carbon copy of the author, Miss Joanne "Jo" Rowling. In the book Rowling's character is killed by Voldemort on page 512. Critics and book reviewers have condemned Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows to be too violent, with media experts strongly suspicious about J. K. Rowling's signing with the directors of the SAW movie series. In no less than fourteen of the book's chapters, wizards are repeatedly cut open and sewn back shut by the Death Eaters and then served on a silver platter. Family values advocacy groups have petitioned to take the final episode of the Harry Potter saga off bookshelves of local libraries, churches and bookstores. There was no recorded mention of any form of action against Internet distribution of the book.

Avid geeks and lifeless Harry Potter fans living in the Oceanic region were meant to get their hands on the book on the 21st of July but the more desperate have been able to find scans and photographs of the seventh book on the Internet already. Unfortunately this method of getting the book earlier than everybody else has proved to be a double-edged sword. Government officials have been tracing the IPs of all downloaders and will phone their respective residencies with spoilers. Two men have already been arrested for unplugging their phone to avoid being spoilt and many more arrests are sure to follow.

At its premiere, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows grossed a total of 4 billion Euros, making Miss Joanne "Jo" Rowling the richest money-hungry school-teacher-author alive for the second time in a row in 3 years.